I Try
by HOTTERTHNU
Summary: Song fic....takes place after the truth
1. Chapter 1

Song Fic: I Try by Macy Gray Disclaimer- McG and Josh Schwartz own the O.C., I just wish I did.  
  
A/N: This takes place after the episode "The Truth" which will air Feb. 11  
  
He woke up with a start, sweating and scared. Another nightmare. Ryan looked at the clock. 4:51. Oh well, he would have to get up in about an hour anyway, might as well stay up.  
  
Ryan stared out the window. The rain was pouring and his world was falling. Just last week Marissa's friend Oliver had almost committed suicide in front of Marissa. When Ryan heard Marissa scream, it was the worst minute of his life. He just had to help Oliver. For Marissa's sake.  
  
Yep, Ryan talked Oliver out of committing suicide. As an afterthought, Ryan thought it would have been better to let the kid do the deed. But he had Marissa back. Or at least her thanks. And his one and only wish was for Marissa to be happy.  
  
So there.  
  
Now Marissa wanted to "start things over." But Ryan needed time. Much as he would like to forget the whole incident, he couldn't ignore the fact that Marissa, who had been his girlfriend, had chosen Oliver, who had been just a friend, time after time. It broke Ryan's heart to tell Marissa that they had to wait. But he had to do it.  
  
Ryan walked into the kitchen, his hair soaked. Kirsten was at the stove making tea. Ryan opened a cabinet and got some cereal. He got the skim milk in the purple container from the refrigerator. Kirsten turned around.  
  
"Honey, are you okay?" Kirsten's eyes showed anxiety.  
  
Ryan shrugged. Inside, he felt like his life had exploded into a million pieces. And he didn't know when or what would make him break.  
  
"You don't look too good. Do you feel sick?" Ever the concerned mother, Kirsten felt Ryan's head. "You feel warm, sweetie. Do want to stay home from school today?"  
  
Ryan breathed a sigh of relief, nodding yes.  
  
"And, if you need anything, I'm just a phone call away. Seth will pick up your homework."  
  
"Thanks," Ryan answered weakly.  
  
Kirsten lowered her voice. "And if you need anyone to talk to, about, well you know, I'm always here for you."  
  
Ryan gave her one of his half-smiles, grabbing a spoon from a drawer.  
  
"I think I'll eat this in the pool house," Ryan walked quickly to the pool house before the tears started to flow.  
  
God, why was he so emotional all of a sudden?  
  
Ryan set the bowl down on his desk. He crawled into his bed and started crying. And not just a few sniffles. No, when Ryan Atwood was this distraught, nothing could stop the waterworks.  
  
Worn out from crying, Ryan fell asleep quickly. He was woken up by the sound of his phone.  
  
Groggily, he picked up the phone. "Hello?"  
  
"Hey Ry, how are you feeling?" Seth's familiar voice answered.  
  
"A little better. I just woke up," Ryan answered.  
  
"That's good. So um, Anna wants to talk to you," Seth said, a bit nervously.  
  
Good thing Ryan couldn't see Seth. Seth was a horrible liar, but over the phone he was a little more believable.  
  
"Okay," Ryan shrugged. Anna and him were okay friends. It was nice of her to want to talk to him.  
  
"Okay, I'm putting her on. Feel better man," Seth replied.  
  
"Hi Anna," Ryan said, as he heard the phone being passed into other hands.  
  
"This isn't Anna. Are you feeling okay, Ryan?" Marissa said.  
  
Ryan froze. He hadn't wanted to talk to her. Not now. He couldn't bear talking to her while knowing that she wasn't his.  
  
*I try to say goodbye and I choke*  
  
Ryan cleared his throat. "How are you?" he asked softly.  
  
"Okay," Marissa's voice trembled. "But I miss you."  
  
"I miss you too," he whispered, even though there was no one home.  
  
"Ryan, I've been thinking. And I know you said that you don't want me back right now, but please, I'll do anything," Marissa pleaded.  
  
"I can't--" Ryan couldn't even get the words out. They were lies anyway.  
  
*Try to walk away and I stumble*  
  
"Ry? Are you there?" Marissa asked.  
  
"Yeah, sorry," Ryan said.  
  
"Can I come over after school?"  
  
Ryan shrugged even though he knew Marissa couldn't see him. "If you want," he said, hoping he sounded nonchalant. He missed her, wanted her, needed her.  
  
*Though I try to hide it, it's clear, my world crumbles when you are not here*  
  
"I love you," Marissa ended the call.  
  
"So, I'm guessing that things went well," Seth said to Marissa, taking his cell phone and putting it back in his backpack.  
  
"I don't know yet. But he said I could come see him after school. That's something, right?" Marissa searched for answers in Seth's eyes.  
  
Seth felt pained when he looked at Marissa. The longing, the love, the need for Ryan in her life. She had questions about Ryan that Seth couldn't answer. And he wanted to be able to answer them. Didn't want Marissa's heart to be breaking before him. Especially when he couldn't do anything about it.  
  
Marissa drove Seth and Anna home from school. She left Anna and Seth to their video game marathon and ran through the ran to the pool house. She knocked on the doors, which were locked.  
  
After his phone call from Marissa, Ryan had gone back to sleep. A low tapping at the door woke him. He immediately recognized her silhouette.  
  
Ryan jumped up from his bed. Marissa peered through the glass door and saw him walking towards the door. In nothing but a pair of plaid boxers.  
  
He opened the door and let her in, quickly shutting it so that the rain wouldn't follow her.  
  
"I'm sorry you had to wait. I was sleeping," Ryan explained.  
  
"It's okay," Marissa answered. Ryan couldn't help but notice her shivering.  
  
After all, Marissa's body was drenched. "Do you want something dry to wear?"  
  
She nodded, so he got her a pair of Harbor High Soccer sweatpants and a wife beater. She went into the bathroom to change and emerged, looking beautiful as usual.  
  
Ryan sat down on the bed and Marissa sat next to him. She lay back and he did the same. Staring at the ceiling, each waiting for the other to break the awkward silence. 


	2. Chapter 2

Song Fic: I Try by Macy Gray Disclaimer- McG and Josh Schwartz own the O.C., I just wish I did.  
  
A/N: This has turned into more of just a fic. So I may not be putting any more of the song in. Or I might. Also, I'm out of ideas! So is probably the end of this song-fic.  
  
"So," Ryan said, "how are you?"  
  
Marissa turned to look at Ryan. "You know I'm nothing without you," she whispered.  
  
"Don't say that," Ryan ordered.  
  
"I can't help the way I feel," Marissa was hurt.  
  
He didn't mean to hurt her. "I didn't mean to hurt you," he replied, pulling her body close to his.  
  
"You didn't hurt me, I hurt you," Marissa spoke truthfully.  
  
She snuggled closer to Ryan. When she was with him, she couldn't focus.  
  
"I can't do this," Ryan jerked away from Marissa. "You don't need me. And we can't be together."  
  
His heart was breaking into a million pieces. He didn't want to do this to her. She didn't know this though.  
  
*I may appear to be free...*  
  
Marissa turned to him and looked him squarely in the eye. "What are you afraid of?"  
  
Before Ryan could answer, Marissa grabbed him and kissed him. Wow. He liked it when Marissa took charge.  
  
"I want you," Ryan mumbled, lying back on the bed with Marissa.  
  
*But I'm just a prisoner of your love*  
  
Ryan and Marissa lay staring at the ceiling again. They had finally given in to their desires.  
  
"Ryan, can I ask you something?" Marissa said.  
  
Ryan nodded.  
  
"What are you afraid of?"  
  
No answer. She stared into his deep blue eyes, searching for answers.  
  
It was then that she knew. Ryan was afraid of love. And he loved her. These were feelings that he had never felt before. She had to teach him. Slowly, he was learning. But it would take time. That was why, when she had first said those three magic words, he had responded with, "thank you."  
  
"I love you," Ryan said quietly.  
  
It was uncanny how he could almost read her mind.  
  
"I was just thinking about that. Love, I mean," Marissa corrected herself, "and how powerful it is."  
  
They drifted off to sleep. Ryan was holding Marissa and she could sleep soundly, knowing he was there to protect her.  
  
The next morning, Marissa woke up. And realized she wasn't in her own bed.  
  
Oh well.  
  
She took a quick shower and turned on her cell phone.  
  
Oh shit.  
  
There were four messages from her dad. Demanding to know where she was.  
  
Marissa scribbled a note to Ryan and left it on the table. God knows she didn't want to leave.  
  
At the apartment, Jimmy wasn't actually flipping out. He figured that Marissa had spent the night at Summer's. Or Ryan's. And to tell the truth, he wasn't too worried about her staying with either of them. It was just the fact that she hadn't called him to say she would be out.  
  
Jimmy ran to the door when he heard the doorbell ring. He opened it to find Marissa. He saw her worried face and smiled.  
  
"I'm not mad at you sweetie. I just want to you tell me what your plans are. Where were you last night?" Jimmy said, hugging her.  
  
"Promise you won't get mad?" He nodded. "I spent the night at Ryan's."  
  
"Okay," Jimmy said, choosing his words carefully, "did you, um, you know?"  
  
So much for being smooth. Marissa's face flushed. "Well, yeah," she admitted. For some reason it wasn't as embarrassing as she thought it would be.  
  
Seeing Jimmy's face, she added, "And yeah, well, he used protection."  
  
Jimmy sighed. "I remember what it was like to be young and in love."  
  
When Ryan woke up, Marissa was gone. He found the note by his bed and tore it open.  
  
Turns out Marissa had to go home. Oh well. What a night! But he missed her. And his body ached for her so badly. 


	3. Chapter 3

Song Fic: I Try by Macy Gray  
  
Disclaimer: McG and Josh Schwartz own the O.C., I just wish I did.  
  
A/N: Well, I got a little burst of inspiration and decided to make this song-fic longer. This might be the last chapter, or maybe not...Tell me what you guys think!  
  
Ryan walked down the hall with Luke and a few of his water-polo buddies. Ever since Ryan had become friends with Luke, Luke's friends had wanted in on the friendship. At the end of the hall, Ryan and Luke separated from Brad, Michael, and Danny. They had physics while Ryan and Luke had history.  
  
"So, how are you?" Luke asked.  
  
Normally, when the Cohens would ask him questions like this, Ryan would become very defensive. But Luke asked questions in a way that was non- threatening. Ryan felt like he could talk to Luke without fear of punishment or major concern.  
  
"Okay," Ryan said.  
  
Luke didn't push. That was the thing. He was just not the obtrusive kind of person that Sandy or Kirsten was.  
  
"Actually, I'm really confused," Ryan admitted. "I don't know what to do about Marissa. One minute, we are together and things are fine, and the next second I am pushing her away."  
  
Luke nodded his head. "Suffering from a little schizophrenia, huh?"  
  
Ryan cracked a smile. "Guess so. But what do you think I should do?"  
  
Before Luke could answer, Marissa and Summer came over to them.  
  
"Hey guys," Marissa said, taking Ryan's hand. He didn't squeeze back.  
  
"Coop, we're late for class," Summer warned, grabbing her friend by the other hand.  
  
Marissa smiled at Luke and Ryan before being pulled away by Summer.  
  
Ryan smiled a little, hoping he at least looked happy and carefree to Marissa. Because he sure as hell knew that he couldn't resist her much longer.  
  
*And I may smile and seem all right when you leave* *But my smiles are just a front* *Just a front, hey*  
  
Marissa hurried to catch up with Summer who, as usual, was walking at an extremely rapid pace.  
  
"I just don't get it," she said. "Half the time I feel like Ryan still loves me and wants me. But then he acts all cold and calm and cool. Like just now, he smiled at me, like he didn't need a thing in the world. Me, included."  
  
Summer shook her head. Was Coop that naïve? "Coop, why can't you see? Ryan is pretending he's okay without you. But I bet he's tearing up inside."  
  
Marissa looked at Summer. "Why?" she asked softly.  
  
Summer sighed. "Honey, Ryan loves you. But he thinks that he will hurt you if you are together. And he definitely thinks that he has already hurt you. So he's trying to resist his feelings for your benefit. Or at least what he thinks is for your benefit."  
  
A light bulb went off in Marissa's head.  
  
"How the hell do you know these things?" Marissa asked in surprise. It seemed so simple now that she understood it.  
  
"Coop, I've been playing these games with guys for years," Summer reminded her friend.  
  
But the difference with me is that I never had true feelings for any of those guys, Summer thought.  
  
The gang was loaded down with homework that night, so no plans were made. And definitely no secret sneak-ins.  
  
Ryan, being the exceptional student that he was, finished his homework early. But he was tired. And worn out from thinking so much. Seth was playing video games and being yelled at by Sandy. Sandy didn't understand why Seth hadn't finished his homework when Ryan had had two days' worth of homework to do, yet had already finished it.  
  
He decided to go to bed early. But he couldn't shake the thoughts of Marissa from his mind. Why did she still want him? She deserved so much better. His heart ached with this thought, which he knew to be entirely untrue. So why was he doing this? His mind raced with her words from the other day, What are you afraid of? What was he afraid of? Commitment? Love? Dawn Atwood had destroyed his perceptions of love and trust. She had let him down, time after time. And then there were the Chino girls. The ones that he had one-night stands with. He hadn't loved any of them. But he had always associated sex with love. And he had learned to shake sex, and in turn love, off like it meant nothing.  
  
Marissa was different.  
  
Ryan fell asleep with the image of Marissa burning in his mind.  
  
*I play it off, but I'm dreaming of you*  
  
Ryan woke up. He jumped out of bed and looked at the clock. 11 AM, it read.  
  
Shit.  
  
He ran into the kitchen in the main house, where Seth was groggily eating a Pop-Tart.  
  
"Man, what are you doing? We're like, really late for school!" Ryan demanded to know.  
  
Seth laughed. "Chillax, man, don't you remember? Today is some professional day for the teachers. So we have no school."  
  
Ryan stared, dumbfounded at Seth.  
  
"Come on Ryan, don't tell me you don't mark these kinds of days on your calendar," Seth joked, thinking that Ryan was speechless because of this.  
  
"Chillax?" Ryan started, "what the hell is that?"  
  
"Chill and relax," Seth replied matter-of-factly. "Don't tell me you've never heard that saying before?"  
  
"God, no," Ryan rolled his eyes. "And please don't let me ever hear it again."  
  
"Okay," Seth muttered. "By the way, Summer and Marissa are coming over. They want to tan here today."  
  
Ryan's eyes lit up. "Sweet."  
  
"Totally."  
  
Ryan grabbed a Pop-Tart and ran to the pool house to get ready. Of course, this just meant making his bed, putting all of his books in his backpack, and throwing on a wife beater and a swimsuit.  
  
The doorbell rang as Ryan poured himself a glass of orange juice and took a Flintstones vitamin. They were corny, and he knew it, but hey, they couldn't hurt him.  
  
He opened the door and found Summer and Marissa standing there.  
  
Summer pushed past Ryan and walked into the kitchen. Marissa and Ryan followed her.  
  
"Eww. Whose Flintstones vitamins are these?" Summer asked disdainfully. "Seth's actually," Ryan said. "I found them out here and I didn't have a chance to put them away."  
  
"I heard that," Seth yelled from upstairs. "And Summer, they're Ryan's."  
  
"Whatever," Summer said. "Come on Coop, we're wasting precious tanning minutes."  
  
"You go ahead. I'll be there in a minute," Marissa said, and she and Ryan were left alone in the kitchen.  
  
Marissa took a step towards Ryan, smelling his Old Spice cologne. Mm.  
  
"Hey," she said softly.  
  
"Hey yourself," Ryan said. Was it just him, or had it gotten hotter in the kitchen? He was beginning to sweat.  
  
*And I'll try to keep my cool, but I'm feenin'"  
  
Marissa took another step towards Ryan.  
  
"How are you feeling?" It was a lame question, seeing as how Ryan had been in school the day before, but Marissa didn't care.  
  
"I'm better now," Ryan replied, hoping she understood.  
  
Marissa took another step towards Ryan. The two were so close they were practically touching. Ryan didn't know if he could take it anymore. The sexual tension between them was accelerating.  
  
Now Marissa was face to face with Ryan. She stared into his eyes, and he leaned in impulsively, hoping to catch her unaware. But Marissa was one step ahead of him. She skipped out to the pool just as he was about to kiss her.  
  
"If you really want me, you'll have to come and get me!" Marissa shouted from outside.  
  
Ryan smiled, and a sigh of relief escaped from his mouth.  
  
She still loved him, wanted him.  
  
What a tease.  
  
Ryan turned and ran after her. He wasn't going to let her get away this time. 


	4. Chapter 4

Song-Fic: I Try by Macy Gray  
  
Disclaimer: McG and Josh Schwartz own the O.C., I just wish I did.  
  
A/N: I decided to make one more chapter for closure...Hope everyone likes it! If you have any other ideas for this chapter, feel free to tell me, and I will update it. Or if you like it as is, tell me!!  
  
Ryan swept Marissa off her feet. Literally. He had run outside after her, and scooped her up like a baby.  
  
"Ryan, put me down!" Marissa shrieked, not really wanting him to let her go...ever.  
  
"Put you down? Okay," Ryan replied, too easily.  
  
Uh-oh, Marissa thought. The pool. At least she was wearing a bathing suit.  
  
"The purpose of a bathing suit is to go swimming," Ryan presaged. He couldn't help staring at her all black bikini with a ring in the middle. God, she was hot.  
  
Ryan gently tossed her into the Cohens' pool. She'd had it coming. No worries. He stripped off his wife beater.  
  
She had eyes only for Ryan as he stripped his shirt. His abs were so sexy. And those biceps. Marissa wasn't even going to get started on those.  
  
Marissa squealed as the cool water covered her skin.  
  
"Oops," he laughed. It was good to hear him laugh.  
  
Marissa splashed around in the pool. God, she was gorgeous when she was soaking wet. Actually she was gorgeous no matter what she was, or wasn't, wearing.  
  
"Help me out," Marissa begged. She had some tricks of her own up her sleeve.  
  
Ryan begrudgingly leaned over and gave her his hand. Mustering up all of her strength, Marissa yanked him into the pool. He stumbled and fell on top of her.  
  
"They are such children," Seth remarked to Summer, who was lounging on a chair.  
  
Summer didn't respond. Seth assumed that she was napping. He rubbed his hands together evilly. Or at least in the way he thought was evil.  
  
Hmm, Seth thought. He was a very childish person. Was it worth it? Oh, yes.  
  
Carefully he picked Summer up and walked over to the edge of the pool. He kissed her, and then threw her in. Summer's high-pitched scream sounded as soon as she touched the water.  
  
"Oh my god Cohen!"  
  
Marissa dunked Ryan. She took a deep breath and went under as well. Finding his lips, she kissed him. And suddenly, they didn't need air. They had each other.  
  
"Get in here now!" Summer ordered. "Don't leave me here with Coop and Chino sucking face underwater!"  
  
Seth obliged. He was more than happy to join in the festivities. Marissa and Ryan finally surfaced for air.  
  
"God, how do you guys last so long?" Seth asked.  
  
"Why don't you try and find out for yourself?" Ryan grinned.  
  
Seth looked expectantly at Summer, who glared at him. "Don't even think about it, Coh-"  
  
But before she had time to finish, he had pushed her underwater. Hey, she thought, this isn't so bad.  
  
Ryan turned to Marissa.  
  
"So," he started.  
  
"Are we?" Marissa said hesitantly.  
  
Ryan gazed deep into her eyes. It was time to trust again.  
  
"I'm ready," he stated.  
  
Ryan Atwood was a man of few words. But he knew that this just wouldn't cut it.  
  
"Will you be my girlfriend?" He whispered. "I love you."  
  
"Okay," Marissa was finding it increasingly hard to breathe. "I don't ever want to lose you again."  
  
And with that, she wrapped her legs around him and kissed him.  
  
Ryan put his arms around the girl, no, his girl. He was ready to love her again. 


End file.
